Recovering from sexual abuse

I have been thinking about how many of the people who visit here have been through sexual abuse.

We all seem to miss the vital issues that are involved. So I will try and put my key thoughts down in writing, in the hope that people will see and understand.

In many ways I am writing this post to myself, as well as to many of you. This might be the first time that someone explains what happened to you and shows you how to forgive yourself, how to let go and how to heal on the inside.

Teens

If something happened to you as a child or a teenager the key to getting free is to understand, it was not your fault. Teenagers are by nature young. Being young means that they don’t have all the working emotions and the experience to identify dangers.

Adults who want to abuse therefore look for a particular kind of teen. A teen that is at risk.

What does it mean to be at risk? Often it is the trusting, innocent and kind kids that get hurt. The reason for this is that an abuser doesn’t expect the child to fight back, the abuser expects to be able to talk that person into doing things. That child is at risk. The abuser is like a hunter. The child is the prey.

You might believe that it was your fault and that you entered into it and tolerated it. I’m not agreeing with you, I’m just pointing out the fact that you were a teen and you’re not yet an adult. You were not yet capable of understanding the world entirely. As a teen we understand a lot, but we’re not adults, so obviously we’re not fully developed yet emotionally.

Adults have the responsibility to take care and protect teens. If you’re reading this and you’ve been abused as a teen, someone somewhere failed to protect you.

I wrote about the cycle of hurt and healing in this post What to do when you’re feeling empty inside. But right now I want to explain what happens inside the head of a person who has been abused.

My story

When I was abused, the man first became my friend. He gave me ice creams. He swapped stamps with me – and he gave me heaps of the best ones. I didn’t see the trend at all. He was the hunter. I was the hunted. He was the young adult and I was the teen. I was innocently entering into the relationship out of trust and he was using my trust to make a connection with me.

Even when the abuse actually occurred, I didn’t see how it had been constructed by him. I didn’t see how I had been lured like a fish to a hook.

Afterwards I felt bad. I couldn’t blame him (I thought) because it seemed like I had gotten involved of my free will. But that was not the case at all. Remember what I said… teenagers are a gift from God for adults to PROTECT.

If this happened to you, no matter how much you think that you were involved of your free will, you have been tricked. Like a fish on a hook, the adult did not protect you and used you for their evil needs.

I remember feeling pity for this man. My thoughts slowly became more and more confused as the experiences continued. I could see him intense sadness if I didn’t want to participate. What was happening was that he (the adult) was using my innocence and kindness against me.

I don’t want to indicate that it’s only men who do these things. It isn’t. I can tell you stories about my first “girlfriend” who got her way. I can tell you about more than one adult woman. There are abusers in both sexes, let’s not be naiive. A victim attracts abusers and it’s not a gender thing.

A few years ago, when I eventually told a parent about the abuse, that person said they were always on the lookout to protect my sister because she is a girl. That person never expected the son to be in danger.

The truth to accept is…

• If you have been in this situation it might be very confusing for you to see that as a teen you should not have been put in this situation.
• As a teen you didn’t have the ability to understand what was happening.
• Because you were a teen, it is not your fault. Adults are tasked by God to protect you.

The long term effect

The teen believes that they are somehow bad inside. I did. These experiences went totally against how I felt as a Christian. I couldn’t see why I was letting this happen. I became very confused. As a Christian I began to believe that God was permitting it, I began to believe that I was a bad person. I was in a “spiral down” emotionally.

Had an adult come and spoken to me about this, had they protected me and explained that I had been manipulated against my will… I could have seen the danger I was in and I would have broken away.

Instead that did not happen. Instead I felt worse and worse inside of myself… and I needed the man’s attention more and more. I had isolated myself from friends because I felt dirty. I would avoid him for months, but he would show up at church, or outside my home, or drive slowly past me on his moped, smiling, inviting.

For months I would be in a downward spiral emotionally, slowly self destructing inside, believing I was a bad person… he would visit occasionally until I’d give in and go with him again.

It looked (to me) like it was my choice to go with him, but I was a young teen and he was the adult. He was using his superior emotional ability to stalk me. Like a lion hunts it’s prey (see the pic to the left).

It was only when I took a very firm stand and became angry with him and threatened to tell other adults, that he stopped being around me.

I was so confused about everything in my life.

What I needed was healing. I needed loving adults. I needed a loving home. But I had isolated myself. And during this time I had become a victim to other adults as well. The behavior of a victim draws many predators to itself.

The way out, into the upward spiral

1. The teen (or the recovering adult) must find someone to talk to about these experiences. Do not remain isolated. Do not isolate yourself. Isolation makes us sad inside. Pray and ask God for friends and people to love you in a healthy way.
2. The teen (or the recovering adult) must see the truth is that they were abused and the abuser is at fault Pray and ask God for wisdom.
3. The teen (or the recovering adult) must understand that blaming ourselves and believing we are weak and bad inside is only going to keep us in a downward spiral. We need to lay blame where it should be… at the feet of the abuser. Pray and ask God for wisdom.
4. The teen (or the recovering adult) must discover their “personal power“. You have rights. You have a right to a good life. You are a good person. You can say no. You can be angry. You can choose for yourself. You can get away from bad people. You can learn about right and wrong. You can learn about good and bad, until you recognize it. Pray and ask God for wisdom.
5. The teen (or the recovering adult) must find a loving church and get into loving home groups (cells). Jesus walked this earth 2000 years ago. He went back to heaven. Now He lives through His people. Find people that love like He did. Find a church that loves like He did. In the toughest city you can still find those people, don’t give up, they are there. Pray and ask God for them.
6. No matter what you think your sin is, always remember and understand this truth: as a Christian your sins are COMPLETELY forgiven. This brings spiritual freedom to your life and a sure knowledge that God is NOT judging you and He doesn’t even see your sin. With this spiritual freedom and healing, you can now focus on emotional healing and freedom… which is what this post is all about.

The way out is for you to take ownership of your life. Find a healthy Christianity. Stop shame from ruling your life. Choose not to feel bad about yourself. Leave the spiral down. Choose to enter into the spiral up.

This is a book that has made an enormous difference in my life: Changes that heal.

It has taken me more than a year to work through about half of it… it’s just that densely packed with bible based Christian wisdom.

(This book is written by Henry Cloud. You might know his “Boundaries” books?)

Christian beliefs to AVOID

He has also written another book called 12 “Christian” Beliefs That Can Drive You Crazy. Here are the twelve thoughts to avoid (thanks to Natala).

1. It’s selfish to have my needs met.
2. If I’m spiritual enough, I will have no pain or sinfulness.
3. If I change my behavior, I will grow spiritually
4. I just need to give it to the Lord.
5. One day, I’ll be finished with recovery.
6. Leave the past behind.
7. If I have God, I don’t need people
8. ‘Shoulds’ are good.
9. Guilt and shame are good for me .
10. If I make right choices, I will grow spiritually.
11. Just doing the right thing is more important than why I do it.
12. If I know the truth, I will grow.

I have been through a lot in my life. In this post I have outlined much of what I have learned. I am still growing, still healing, still recovering. I have spent many decades in a down spiral and now I’m getting into the upward internal spiral, with the help of God.

For me my beliefs that I have to overcome is this one “One day, I’ll be finished with recovery.” I keep expecting that I can simply relax and “let God” when in fact there is no such fantasy thing.

When I was going through the time I have written about in this post, I believed “If I have God, I don’t need people” and I was so so wrong. People must not be isolated and must not allow themselves to become isolated.

I also struggled with “It’s selfish to have my needs met.” and this is because I felt feelings of low self worth. I didn’t know how HIGHLY God thinks of me. So highly that He lived and died for me. He loves me, no matter what.

Another nonsense is that we can simply “Leave the past behind.” No. To do this is to bury it. And we’re burying it alive. It just sits there under the ground, mumbling, groaning and festering. Eventually it bursts out into our lives like the people in the cemetary in Michael Jackson’s “thriller” video.

So my message to you is this: take ownership of your life. God gave adam and eve some specific instructions. To LIVE their life and to GROW. That is His command to you also, to love yourself, love those around you and to love Him.

For churches and healers

On the other hand, for those of you wanting to help hurt people heal. Your task is to help these people learn about themselves. To create a safe environment. To show healthy self-love by your own choices in your life.

Think about this truth: if the person didn’t learn to love and respect and protect themselves already… then who can they learn from, but from the people around them! And you are one of those people.

For church builders, when designing a church, don’t be concerned about building a big church. Design for community. Design for love. Design for interaction. Don’t worry about bringing in massive numbers of unhealed people, so they can tithe. Focus on healing small numbers of people. Lead them not with words from the front, but like Jesus, get in amongst the people and lead by example.

Focus on showing how to love. Healing people doesn’t just happen in worship or through words said from the front… it happens in community and in groups and by teaching one another to love.