I am sharing this because suddenly there has been a big spike in readership of this blog and I want you to know me and my struggles. You're not alone in your struggles. No one is. I also want you to know that there is no quick fix because Christianity is a process of change in your life and in mine. The process involves change – so you become more yourself and more like Him.
I have a really chronic need to be healed. I'm not freaking out about it just at the moment, but IF my "stuckness" goes on for too long, I will get desperate and freak out about it. 🙂
I feel trapped between the pain of my life in this world (in my past, not so much now days) which spurs on the poor choices and unhelpful behaviours that I don't want to have in my life.
I know that I am not this person who does the things I don't want to do – I am a new person. Who am I? I am new and clean and it's just taking a while to undo the past. (That might sound odd to anyone who has not read Romans, Colossians, Thessalonians, Galatians and the other NT books.)
In the process (of standing up and falling down) I'm learning so much about Him which I try to share on this blog. It's all my own thoughts and it's not gospel. I hope it helps someone. Jesus only walked with 12 people and look what happened! If I can help 12 people I'll be happy.
I am growing in understanding of Him, the Person, and in my relationship with Him and He still uses me… and yet I still follow old choices and old practises sometimes. I'm torn in two sometimes. But the good news is that these sometimes are getting less and less and fewer and fewer. That's good.
But do you know what the best thing I've learned? That He is kind and patient while I grow and heal and adjust. I'm not being passive while this happens, but the feeling that comes over me when I have pain – it's too much for me sometimes. I lose it. I make choices that help me to feel better right now. I imagine this is what drug users feel like. I think a lot of people feel this way but we just don't tell each other. If we told each other, we all wouldn't feel so alone perhaps.
So that's what I've learned. He stays. He doesn't leave. He doesn't shout. He doesn't judge. He just continues to love me. He knows my heart is to be with Him. I just keep finding out that He is not the ogre that I was taught. Now I see why Jesus didn't teach about hell or judgement to the people (He only taught it to those who should know better, like teachers and leaders). He's not the ogre I expected. He somehow manages to reach into my despair and guilt and tells me He won't give up on me just as we're getting somewhere.
Even when I let go of His hand, He doesn't let go of mine, because He loves me and He wants to be with me. I wrote about this before Our Father’s grip (and the son’s grip)
Like Paul said, once you're in the new covenant you're clean and new… yet we do what we don't want to do… then Paul says "it's not *us* doing these things, it's sin *in* us". Paul then asked "who can set us free from this body of death?" In the very next sentence he writes: "Jesus can!".
Jesus can. Hmmm… Lord, I need You to heal me. Urgently. Set me free or show me the way out or something. Hurry Lord! I hate being trapped between the old and the new. I want to be free Lord.