Another “ohhhh yeaaahhh!!” moment happened to me recently.
I really don’t enjoy the highs and lows that I feel as a Christian. I didn’t understand why they happened either. It didn’t make sense, but I had begun to notice that they happen after certain kinds of worship music, not after other kinds of worship music.
Seeds of discontent
And adding to this I was once rebuked by God (through a prophetess) for being dissatisfied with Him and these are “seeds of discontent” that grow. I absolutely couldn’t understand this either. It was true, that I was discontented, but all I wanted was more of Him, I also wanted my freedom, I wanted the promised promises, I wanted…
But as you’ve been reading in this blog, every day He just provided, He steered me along the way, I was given without even KNOWING, He gave me food because he knows that I woud need food later in the day and not be able to get it.
So just a few days ago, while listening to worship music on the beach I saw myself again being moved inside to begin to want more… and I realised that I was SUBTLY getting demanding with God again – as if this gentleness he has given me now, this revelation of His love for me, as if that is NOT ENOUGH and I need more, I want more, give me more.
Focussing on the future instead of Him
I saw that I was focussing on the promises and therefore somehow becoming unhappy with what I have been given. Unhappy with HIM. Unwilling to just accept His provision.
It’s ok to want, you must knock and ask
It is ok to want and for people who make a lifestyle out of NOT wanting, you should not really read this post. Ok? For you, let me say that I used to NOT want… and then God challenged me to do a search in E-Sword for the phrase “I want” and I was asonished at how often God’s servants wanted things.
It is Ok to want. We MUST want. You must want. Absolutely it is important to set your direction so that God can then go ahead and make your steps. What do you want? Do you want to be saved? To be filled with His Holy Spirit? To serve Him? To be a pastor? To go into all the world? To be a good mom like Mary was to Jesus? To serve others by having them in your home? What do you want? Ask and keep on asking, knock and keep on knocking.
But discontent is not ok
But somehow my wanting had become so intense that I was dissatisfied with what He had provided, these seeds of discontent were threatening to bear bad fruit in my life. I kept losing my peace, I think that perhaps even my discontent was troubling to Him, because He was leading me in a good path, making the steps to where many decades ago I had said to Him I wanted to go (I really really want to be used by Him for His glory and to prepare His bride) and so He is making those steps… but I was perpetually dissatisfied with Him and with where He has taken me and what was NOT HAPPENING.
I couldn’t see His love, His nature, His love. Unless we can learn to see Him, I think that we will not understand how important love is, and then we – even if we have all the gifts and prophesy – we will be a clanging bell. DAAANNNGGG!!! Instead of tinkle! (Maybe?! I dunno if that works, but nothing else comes to mind. hehehe)
I keep thinking that the key is to FIND our peace, BE at peace and NOT LOSE that peace. In that peace, loving others is easy, feeling Him is easy, chatting with Him is easy (even if He doesn’t audibly “answer back”). My chatting may once have been audible, but now it’s more like… ummm… I feel things. I kinda know He is there. Sometimes I can imagine a smile. A warmth. I sort of smile back… I really don’t know what the heck else to do! heheheh.
Sometimes, like last night, I go into my hostel room and get out some worship music and just tell Him that I am SO glad that He is a *good* God, because without Him we (the world) would be screwed! Some of us just don’t know how lucky we are. I’ve been through such hell in my life that I know that I know that I know just who is the source of all that is good and who is the thief that comes to steal and destroy.
God is a good God. Get to know Him. 🙂
(I’m sure I will re-edit this at a later stage, because I can feel that this is not “done”, but it’s done for now. I hope it helped someone.)