I have been through this before. God blesses me enormously and then I go through a challenge.
Last year I was swept off my feet at the sheer beauty of Venice and then a week later in Cinque Terrae later I came under the worst demonic attack I had ever experienced. The kind of attack where you just turn to Him and hold on for dear life saying “I am hidden in Christ” and focussing on Him Him Him Him – until the attack breaks. Then you discover that in fact being IN Him is the key to staying safe and well throughout the WHOLE day! Hallelujah!
After that I was stunned by the tremendous beauty of Florence and Tuscanny and then the Italian Alps up north… but after that I came face to face with my own anger and sadness which had been shoved down deep inside me for many many years. I prayed this innocent pray “Lord please soften my heart” and all this stuff just BURST up from my depths and my world exploded in a literal second. Friends back home who *didn’t* have any contact with me were worried for me during that time. I was worried for me!! I threw out all the religion, I was angry, I threw off all restraint and I stormed around. And yet when this passed, I was free of all that anger and I was more in touch with myself… I had begun to live purposefully again instead of surviving.
Here in Eilat and the Sinai I have had such a good time that I wondered if I was being “set up” again. hehehehe. Yes I was, but this time it’s not so harsh. I am IN Him, so I am continuosly safe. I am not passively carrying around all that repressed anger, so I am able to live positively now. But God wants more than just living. He wants abundance.
So in the last few days He has been gently bringing to mind past situations. It’s so gentle. A memory pops up. I think about what happened, process it and learn and put it away.
Here is an example. As a young boy I severely burned my back in the sun with my family and the burn was so bad that I had blisters right across my back and all up and down. Big puffy blisters. So that’s the memory.According to my memory, I prayed and God healed me and everything worked out fine. Right?
Well yes, but then God sort of engages my “new” emotions that I have and I begin to wonder… is that normal? What happened… is it normal? My family hardly noticed my pain so I was used to not asking for help… and no one helped me with the blisters at all. Is this ok? We simply got in the car and went home. Feeling alone, as usual, I sat in the back seat and I turned to God and asked Him for help – because He usually would help me. My blisters burst the next day and a second skin was *already* there and within 2 days I was pretty much ok.
That is the goodness of God’s love and grace to cover over these things for the lonely and helpless. But what I have to face is, what was life like for me when my family had so little care and compassion for me as a child? So a “normal” memory has now become a sad memory. I didn’t feel sad as they happened, but looking back, I see the lostness of that child that I was.
if I saw a child who was neglected like that, I’d be infuriated and angry. Children are wonderful and special, they must be protected. In Australia a negleced child is removed from parents.
So many memories like this are coming up. To keep a balance I use self talk, to enjoy where I am, what I am seeing, enjoy the hot wind that comes off the Saudi Arabian desert and into my face as I sit on bedouin cushions.
As if for confirmation, today I was led to this post by Abiding – in it (at the bottom) she says
PPS, pray for my blog buddy who’s traveling in Jerusalem. He’s headed twds a major breakthrough and restoration in his emotions.
and I feel that same good God who helped me with the blisters is now saying to me that yes we’re going to heal these blisters – and I’ll find a second skin is already there.
Ah, I just remembered a dream I had weeks ago. I remembered that dream this morning for no reason and now it makes sense. In the dream I had some people around me – like angels, but in human form – and they were helping me. I looked at my left arm and it was blistering really badly and I was alarmed. I showed my arm to them in a complaint, even in the dream I knew the blisters were emotional pain coming out. I heard a voice in the dream say to me “yes, but look at your muscles”. I need to look past this time and see that dealing with my past will enable me to be far more compassionate and loving to people around me.
Since yesterday I have felt the Holy Spirit touching different areas on my body. Bzzzt here. Bzzzzt there. Everywhere a Bzzzt Bzzzt! Maybe He is building the second skin. hehehehe.
He is a good God. I trust Him to do this. Please pray for me as I am a bit scared at what else will come up.