Ouch!


I have been through this before. God blesses me enormously and then I go through a challenge.

Last year I was swept off my feet at the sheer beauty of Venice and then a week later in Cinque Terrae later I came under the worst demonic attack I had ever experienced. The kind of attack where you just turn to Him and hold on for dear life saying “I am hidden in Christ” and focussing on Him Him Him Him – until the attack breaks. Then you discover that in fact being IN Him is the key to staying safe and well throughout the WHOLE day! Hallelujah!

After that I was stunned by the tremendous beauty of Florence and Tuscanny and then the Italian Alps up north… but after that I came face to face with my own anger and sadness which had been shoved down deep inside me for many many years. I prayed this innocent pray “Lord please soften my heart” and all this stuff just BURST up from my depths and my world exploded in a literal second. Friends back home who *didn’t* have any contact with me were worried for me during that time. I was worried for me!! I threw out all the religion, I was angry, I threw off all restraint and I stormed around. And yet when this passed, I was free of all that anger and I was more in touch with myself… I had begun to live purposefully again instead of surviving.

Here in Eilat and the Sinai I have had such a good time that I wondered if I was being “set up” again. hehehehe. Yes I was, but this time it’s not so harsh. I am IN Him, so I am continuosly safe. I am not passively carrying around all that repressed anger, so I am able to live positively now. But God wants more than just living. He wants abundance.

So in the last few days He has been gently bringing to mind past situations. It’s so gentle. A memory pops up. I think about what happened, process it and learn and put it away.

Here is an example. As a young boy I severely burned my back in the sun with my family and the burn was so bad that I had blisters right across my back and all up and down. Big puffy blisters. So that’s the memory.According to my memory, I prayed and God healed me and everything worked out fine. Right?

Well yes, but then God sort of engages my “new” emotions that I have and I begin to wonder… is that normal? What happened… is it normal? My family hardly noticed my pain so I was used to not asking for help… and no one helped me with the blisters at all. Is this ok? We simply got in the car and went home. Feeling alone, as usual, I sat in the back seat and I turned to God and asked Him for help – because He usually would help me. My blisters burst the next day and a second skin was *already* there and within 2 days I was pretty much ok.

That is the goodness of God’s love and grace to cover over these things for the lonely and helpless. But what I have to face is, what was life like for me when my family had so little care and compassion for me as a child? So a “normal” memory has now become a sad memory. I didn’t feel sad as they happened, but looking back, I see the lostness of that child that I was.

if I saw a child who was neglected like that, I’d be infuriated and angry. Children are wonderful and special, they must be protected. In Australia a negleced child is removed from parents.

So many memories like this are coming up. To keep a balance I use self talk, to enjoy where I am, what I am seeing, enjoy the hot wind that comes off the Saudi Arabian desert and into my face as I sit on bedouin cushions.

As if for confirmation, today I was led to this post by Abiding – in it (at the bottom) she says

PPS, pray for my blog buddy who’s traveling in Jerusalem. He’s headed twds a major breakthrough and restoration in his emotions.

and I feel that same good God who helped me with the blisters is now saying to me that yes we’re going to heal these blisters – and I’ll find a second skin is already there.

Ah, I just remembered a dream I had weeks ago. I remembered that dream this morning for no reason and now it makes sense. In the dream I had some people around me – like angels, but in human form – and they were helping me. I looked at my left arm and it was blistering really badly and I was alarmed. I showed my arm to them in a complaint, even in the dream I knew the blisters were emotional pain coming out. I heard a voice in the dream say to me “yes, but look at your muscles”. I need to look past this time and see that dealing with my past will enable me to be far more compassionate and loving to people around me.

Since yesterday I have felt the Holy Spirit touching different areas on my body. Bzzzt here. Bzzzzt there. Everywhere a Bzzzt Bzzzt!  Maybe He is building the second skin.  hehehehe.

He is a good God. I trust Him to do this. Please pray for me as I am a bit scared at what else will come up.

3 responses to “Ouch!

  1. Hi Abiding

    He has done this so gently, amazingly He seems to have used joy and fun to do it. Weird huh? I expected deep cutting, but instead the gap was filled up.

    Hi Bassplayer

    Brother, I really feel for you. I have been there and all I can say is that you shouldn’t blame yourself. What you went through as a child is not your fault, ok? Go get counselling and heal.

    And about these painful marital issues, it takes two to tango. No one is ever 90% responsible, it’s usually 50-50 or 60-40. Your wife will have issues too, make no mistake. If she maintains that she doesn’t have past pain, then she is conceiling it from herself and she probably has tons of it. I did.

    So healing is needed on both sides, not just one. I hope and pray you both can stop and get a breather and take a break from the fighting… and go get help. 1 year from now you guys can be happy together. I am sure of it.

    My email is on this site if you want to chat more.

    Bless you guys,
    Mark.

  2. Thanks for your blog. I’m going through yet another painful marital problem (because of me avoiding the pain of childhood, my wife would probably say that the problem ver went away, I just was blind to it) and fear total loss right now. I pray so much, but belief doesn’t come easily, and something in me doesn’t want to let go. I seem to get really close to really touching God’s face emotionally, but there’s a naked fear deep inside that holds me back. Thanks for your encouraging blog. I hope I can be free to leave my past and forgive so I can love my family more.

  3. Wow Mark. (I’m catching up on your posts) and my word! God is taking you thru a cleansing and an awakening: painful memories, dreams, and best yet, being comforted by His Holy Spirit with the assurance that you’re gonna be ok.

    I’ve learned that no matter what comes up, it comes up in due season and at a time when we have been ready to deal with it, AND receive His healing. (Using the skinned knee visual).. Its “in Him” that He takes our hurts, gently blows the sand out of it, and holds us until our tears turn into soft whimpers. And by that time we’re usually more comforted by his presence and that we’re safe in his arms than the injury or the hurt we once felt.

    I didnt grow up in that kind of family environment, as I’m sure many others didnt, but it makes it all the more special to see him demonstrate his love for us that way. He’s such a Big God, and SO massively important, but never, ever too busy for his children when he hears our cries.

    Just as you trust in Him to take the hurt from you, and then to wash it away, trust in Him as He leads you away from that part of your life. The unknown seems scary,…because it is the unknown and thats the ultimate proof of our dependency on Him. My prayer is less of me, and more of Him. Letting go of trying to do it my way when He knows all that I need.

    Same thing man.

    He “knitt(ed) you in the womb, formed you b4 the foundations of the earth and set you upon this earth for a time such as this. With promises to never leave or forsake you, His love for you is more than enough, and more than you’ll ever understand – for His ways are not our human ways, and His understanding surpasses all understanding.” – The bible

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