I have been praying for a new heart and a renewed spirit and all those wonderful things that the bible says that we get, because of what Jesus did on the cross for us. My logic goes like this: either God is a liar or He is offering me something unblievably good. I know He is not a liar, so like any child standing on the edge of a pool on a hot summers day… I jump right in.
Last week I blogged about getting my healing… and I’ve felt increasingly changed on the inside. And there is an upgrade coming. I’m getting whiffs and sniffs of it every now and then. It’s love. Over the weekend I was standing near some people and as I looked at them I just felt love. Their love. The next day as I watched a baby at church I saw God’s love for you and me. I’m about to go crashing through another upgrade, but this one will lead me to something extra special… the ability to feel the love of someone else, to take care of myself, to love someone else… and what I’m exceedingly excited about is… I’ll be able to feel God’s love for me.
You may not know this about me, but I see God, I see His grace and glory… but I don’t feel Him much. If I do feel Him, it’s only as a warmth or pressure on the outside of my body, or a peace or something. People around me fall down or struggle to stand up or shake or whatever, but I don’t feel Him that way. They speak about the wonderful Presence of God. This weekend someone said “if you ever wanted a service with God in it, that was the service”. I just shrugged. I knew He was there, but the bummer of attachment disorder is that you can’t feel.
I envy them sometimes. But now it seems I’m about to come through to a place where I can feel love. And shortly after than, maybe a few months, I think my wife will appear. God spoke about this on saturday night.
Now you also might not know this about me… I’m a bit of a romantic. I imagine giving my wedding speech and even though I’ve been married once, I’ll be able to say “this is the first and only woman I have ever loved” and I’ll be able to mean it, because I’ve never truly felt the emotion of deep love in my life. She will be like an open field of new experiences for me.
So… I stand on the edge of something that everyone else might take for granted, but anyone who has been following my unfolding story and who knows what I mean… let me tell you, the sniffs and whiffs of love that I have been feeling… it’s wonderful. It’s like the world is awash in emotion, it’s like standing in a field of roses. Love is everywhere in the air – at my church especially.
And to think about what I will feel (after the upgrade) when God draws near. Wooooo! Come breakthrough!
Sadly, an upgrade usually also enables me to feel the sadness and hurt too, especially the sadness and hurt that occurred and shut me down. As I sniff the goodness I am also able to see the sadness and anger in people. Sigh. But luckily it usually passes within a few days.
Wooooo! Come breakthrough!