This was an amazing weekend, it’s been an amazing few weeks – and amazing year in fact! But let me just tell you about this weekend. hehehe.
As you might know, I always think that I’ve got the latest and greatest emotional upgrade – and then bammo I go through a short tough period and then I get another upgrade. After each emotional upgrade the people in my life seem more amazing and life itself seems richer and more fulfilling.
Last week I was so down I stopped blogging. Then on the weekend I drove to Sydney to go to a church to hear some visiting speakers. (I don’t want to go into the details because I am still praying about them).
So… I’m sitting in church and I see a woman a few rows in front of me. I’ve seen her on and off for several years. I move forward to sit with her and her daughter and they are TREMENDOUSLY excited to see me. We spend some time together chatting over the weekend, but nothing came of it. (I also don’t want to go into that either.)
But the thing is, during the weekend I thought I may have met my partner. It was amazing to see my reaction! To understand my reaction, you need to know some things about me first
- I’ve been terribly hurt by women in my life (with the exception of one or two)
- Every single time I’ve got romantically involved it’s been a disaster, so I eventually learned not to get involved!
- My marriage was a disaster from before we tied the knot and it got far worse on the honeymoon
- In the end my ex-wife said “I don’t think I ever loved you”. Ouch. 5 years wasted.
- Since being single I went on two dates with two women – and they were both psychos.
- That was all many years ago and I have not dated since and had entirely put all of this out of my mind.
So that should give you an idea… that I have had real reasons to seal off and shut my heart. I’ve resisted all attempts of women to get near to me. A few years ago I broke out in a sweat when my friend Katie suggested go on a date! (not with her)
But this weekend, I seriously thought that I had met someone I liked. My life went upside down. I sat in the car park and I’d feel as if God’s hand had moved and tears flowed and I’d see a “wall” fall down inside me.
This kind of thing happened three times, tears and then seeing a wall fall down.
Each time I’d begin to have new thoughts and a new hope. I began to wonder how we’d be together. What life would be like. What I liked about her. How long would we wait before having kids? How many do I want? How many kids does she want?
It’s crazy thinking… but it just poured out of me… so naturally.
On the saturday evening I went to her house and spent time with her family. I felt such an incredible warmth in the house. It’s the feeling of loving one-self and feeling affection (or love) between others. It was so warm. Amazing!
I knew by sunday that this was probably not going to work out, that there were still too many issues and things that didn’t work. (not going into that either).
But the thing is, the walls have remained down. I feel the same warmth in my very own home. I walk into my lounge and I can feel that someone lives there. It’s so yummy. This morning I could smell the toast. I love my home.
I spent time with my friend katie last night and again today… and because the walls are down, I am seeing women in entirely new ways. It’s just astounding.
Men are NOTHING like women. Women are just incredible at what they are able to do. Listening to katie talk about the relationships that she is in, I literally gave up. I glimpsed this awesome emotional athlete that God has created in women and I bowed out of the race. Let women be women. I’ll go figure out how to be a man then.
For example, in the same way that I want to repair things in my house and get them working better, Katieis always thinking about her relationships and she wants to tweak and improve the relationships around her – to get them working a bit better.
To not be able to improve a relationship or a family would frustrate her endlessly… just as not fixing my house, or my pond, or cleaning my car – would drive me nuts eventually.
I watched a movie today and again saw the wonder of men and women. So different. So incredibly different.
So different… that it’s a wonder that we manage to get together… and then I realize that if we will understand the difference and delight ourselves in the differences – not resent or resist them or wish them changed – then we will have an incredibly wonderful relationship together.