Healing – The beginning of wisdom

This is a part of a series about forgiveness and handling memories, first to last

This post begins here…

By the time Friday of last week came along, I felt like all of me was resisting God. I really mean all of me. My thinking, my flesh, my needs, my brain and it’s logical processes, my heartfelt desires – and more.

No pleasant platitudes and D&M scriptures could help. This was an emergency.

I mean, I’ve only ever felt all of my stuff surface in one go like this before.

blowing-ballast-tanks.jpgAll of it comes up like a submarine with the crew screaming “emergency surface! emergency surface!” as it ploughs up to the surface… and my brain freaks out.

The only other time this happened, I was in the alps of Italy surrounded by idylic mountain scenery frosted with snow. This time I was in Canberra. hehehe. I love Canberra… but Italy it is not.

All I could do to avoid completely falling away from faith, was to submit myself to God.

On Friday, through Emily, God had highlighted these verses. Not sure why, I printed them out and took them home. Isaiah 57:15 – I am with him who is contrite I didn’t know how much those verses would come to mean to me.

So began 48 hours of grabbing hold of my emotions and thoughts – and putting aside all of my thoughts, my arguments and I just kept saying to myself things like this:

God is God, I am not. He is never wrong, He is never late, there is no changing or turning in Him. No matter how my life has gone, no matter what has happened, He is right and His ways are higher than mine. No matter what I see, He is God. No matter what I feel, He is right. There is always a reason, even if I can’t see it. He knows what is going on.

I did this from Friday. Things got worse on Saturday. All of my mind was sizzling and frying in the memories of what I’d been through in my life. The unfairness of it all. I wanted to scream at God “how could You… I trusted You!” But I forced myself to believe that He is always right, no matter what I think.

The reverent and worshipful fear of the Lord is the beginning (the chief and choice part) of Wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is insight and understanding. – Prov 9:10

By sunday I felt somewhat under control. God had placed me under grace, He was sustaining me because I chose Him. Inside me I felt completely lost and aimless, but the first step had been taken.

The next step would be a pivotal moment.

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