This is a part of a series about forgiveness and handling memories, first to last
- Healing – The beginning of wisdom (God taught me something) OLDEST POST
- Healing – Facing the hidden iceberg (My memories begin to surface, bit time!)
- A vital step to health – thankfulness
- Forgiveness releases us to be healed and whole
- The desire to find our missing inner self (Imago – part 2) (about identity)
- How we build an Imago – Part 1 (about identity)
- Seeing the truth, accepting, forgiving and recovering
- How to forgive someone
- Forgive to be forgiven
- Christian forgiveness (used to be called “The truth will set you free” – FINAL POST, the most helpful post showing the easiest way to forgive painlessly!)
- I now have another very personal, intimate blog http://attaching.wordpress.com and I invite you to read through it, from the start to the end. It has a LOT of memories that surface and I blog how I process them. It’s only 31 posts and each of them is short.
- How can I forgive when it hurts so much? NEWEST POST
This post begins here…
You may have read this verse?
“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” – John 8:32
That verse is referring to Jesus as the Truth and His ability to set us free.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives – Is 61
But it is also a fact that when we see the truth in our lives, we can then be set free.
- Some people need a lot of truth, because they need to understand why and how before they can accept the past and let go and move on.
- Some people just need to know enough to be able to move on.
- Some people (like me) hid the truth from ourselves, need to uncover it, consciously face it, process it, accept it, make some decisions to live differently, make a new life plan and move on.
Sometimes, when I am listening to other people, as they talk about their lives, I see what a normal life is like (an average life) and I sense just how lonely and alone I was at crisis moments in my life.
The truth I have to face is not what happened to me… it’s how it felt while it was happening to me. You see, I was alone in my most painful times. I was alone after sexual abuse. I was alone when I was preparing to commit suicide. I was alone after my motorbike crash (my family went to dinner).
Sometimes I tell people just one of my stories and I see the shock on their faces… and I wonder… was what I went through that bad? The answer is yes. And I only told them one of my stories.
Yes Mark, it was that bad. When I can face that and accept it, I can heal, recover, make a new plan for my life, choose new behaviors… and move past it.
I have come to see what a healthy life and a healthy home environment is like, and mine was nothing like that. Sometimes it comes into full view and I see how close to the edge I always was emotionally. I struggle to believe I made it through.
I can see just how much help God gave me – and I am so grateful.
The solution I learned back then was to be numb… to be a robot and put one foot in front of the other… to hide and deny my chronic pain… to just keep walking… and I got through.
But the good strategy I had as a teenager is now a problem for me as an adult.
Because I lacked comfort in those younger years, I decided “I don’t need no stinking comfort!” and began to consciously deny my need for comfort. But unconsciously (in my imago) I crave comfort and consolation and acceptance.
My conscious mind wants happiness and good feelings and my unconscious mind wants healing and growth. This unconscious need is not a need anyone can actually meet now – it’s too big, too deep. My only choice is to consciously pursue recovery and healing.
So it’s no wonder I have this deep need for comfort and acceptable in me. I was not comforted as a teenager and so somewhere inside I unconsciously crave what I lacked. But no woman or man or friend can match this chronic need inside me. I have to face the problem at the root and soothe myself and forgive, be set free and make new decisions for a new life.
I truly understand why people use alcohol, porn, drugs (etc.) in order to avoid these times, feelings and memories. These things (including sex, coffee, loud music) give comfort or take our mind off some feelings.
I want to be free of this need and these chronic feelings… and the only solution is to
- keep on learning about God’s intentions for our lives (to prosper, use our gifts, be a blessing to others, have families)
- keep on building me up into a strong person who is able to raise the next generation of people as strong Christians
- keep on healing, with His love and the love of His people in my life
- keep on growing as a man, as an adult, as a future husband
- keep on renewing my mind
- keep on forgiving those who did this to me
- take responsibility as an adult and a man – to plan for a life that I enjoy (with God)
How do I overcome these years? By forgiving those who did this to me and by growing into a new creature, leaving that old man behind and replacing him with the new man… made in His image.
Friends may be disappointed that I’m not 100% better already. Disappointed that I don’t live up to their standards. Friends may have expectations and be disappointed that I still have addictions and dependencies… why aren’t they gone yet?
But I’m just me… I’m walking as fast as I can… I’m growing as fast as I can. I ask God for help every day.
People see my gifts and think I am further along than I am. They see me helping and loving and think I am all done and dusted and cooked on the inside… but it’s not true.
At least not yet. 🙂
Where would I be without Him holding my right hand?
He could paper over my healing,
but instead He has plans to use the bad things for good.
I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.
Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
– Ps 73:22-26
He has plans for a deep healing. He is walking me through, He is teaching me, I am learning all the things He wants me to learn.
I love people, I love to be loved by people… but I know now, through this horrendous process that I have lived through… that God is an incredible and amazing God. Where this world and some evil people in it would tear me apart and use me, He builds, He strengthens, He shapes, He guides.
Growing… it’s a slow process, it takes determined conscious effort. Is there any faster way? No. I don’t see any. There is no other way than to walk through this (not around it). Through means to choose to learn, grow and then change.
I have heard that we leave the hardest part of our healing to the end. I know that I am almost at the summit of this climb up “Mt. Healing”. I am almost there. I have one hand on the summit. This is the hardest bit. I have to face the toughest memories, the sadness, the aloneness, the abuse, the feelings.
I want this to be over, I want to be done. I want the kitchen oven to go “ping!” and for God to pull me out and say “done!”.
But first, I have to face this deep pain. Face it. Understand it. Accept it. Forgive them. And move on, be the new man, made in His image, not in the image of that old man/boy that I was.
If you’ve been praying for me, thank you so much. I have come a long way. I am almost there. God bless you.
I now have another very personal, intimate blog http://attaching.wordpress.com and I invite you to read through it, from the start to the end. That page is the end. It’s only 31 posts and each of them is short.