Marriage Pt 2 – safe with each other

Bit by bit during the last few months, I feel as though I have a wonderful sense of a woman’s inner world and her ability to love. In fact I am flat out impressed. There is such potential there. But. In the real world I have experienced so many emotionally ‘out of control’ people (male and female) that the idea of marriage just doesn’t make sense to me. Why get that close to someone who could just flip out and ruin my very enjoyable life? A nuclear power plant seems like such a good idea… until you’re in the blast radius of a meltdown.

Note: Today I bought yet another book on marriage. It answered so many questions I had washing around in my head, like “how do you make a woman happy?” and other questions about why I feel the way I do and why I stonewall and why I need respect more than anything else. The book is “The secrets men keep” and it is based on research, it’s not just opinion. A great book, I recommend it.

But still… I just couldn’t get it. Everyone seems to be hurt in one way or another. How can it work? How can two hurt people with needs and issues gel and make it work?

Tonight while driving home tonight, I had a revelation of what God has in mind for my future marriage. See what you think of this. I got this as a revelation, with video/images and feelings.

When Adam was in the garden with God (before Eve). God “came to” Adam.  So we can assume that Adam did not always have God there. So that means God also “left” Adam alone sometimes. Maybe because of this alone time, God said “it is not good for man to be alone”. Even though Adam had some access to God occassionaly, he still had needs and perhaps he was lonely? Just like many of us.

Note: Loneliness is not bad or sinful, it is just how people feel when they are alone. To say “it is not good for man to be alone” clearly indicates he was alone… and if someone is alone for an extended period they feel a-lonley.

naked_embrace.jpgThen Eve came along and they “knew” each other. Parents often have code words for nookie when kids are around. Many people say “knew” is a code word for nookie.But I think it actually means more than that. Adam KNEW all about his wife. He knew her strengths and limitations. And she knew and accepted him – his strengths and limitations too!

Note: The word for “man” before Eve was separate from Adam is genderless. Not male or female. After Eve was separated, then we have Adam and Eve. Male and female. Two halves that made a whole when they come together again.

And the bible says they were “naked” all day around each other (Gen 1:25). I can’t imagine standing naked in front of anyone… let alone walking around all day!

But again, this probably means more than just physical nakedness. In my revelation, it meant that they didn’t hide things from each other, they shared their inner stuff. In my revelation they nakedly embraced and I sensed that it was a naked emotional embrace as well. An acceptance of each other.

As soon as He gave a law “don’t eat” they were tempted and they ate. Again we see their limitations are just like our own.

Note: In the same way that God prompted the discussion over Job (which led to the difficulties in Job’s life), God introduced a tree and introduced the first law: “don’t eat from that tree”. As Paul writes in the book of Romans, the strength of sin is law. Where there is a law, sin grows in strength. The giving of law resulted in an opportunity for sin. They had not yet sinned, but now that there was law, they would shortly begin sinning.

Clearly Adam and Eve were not super-people. They had not experienced sin or death until this point, but they appear to have needs just like we do: a need for companionship and they were clearly able to sin AND were just about to do it! You and I also get lonely and are tempted to sin.

It is reasonable to assume that they had inter-personal and communication issues as well – just like all couples do. It is true that they were two halves of the same whole (she was taken from his side). BUT they weren’t telepathic. They had to communicate complex inner feelings through the limitation of words. Just like we do.

Now we come to the good stuff of the revelation. This is the part where they fall (not good), but in the fall I learned to see what God wants us to go back to. The naked acceptance. It is that which gives me hope for a future relationship.

After they ate from the tree of knowledge, they hid themselves from each other. Why?

They had been naked with each other (Gen 1:25) and wonderfully accepting of the other person’s limitations. But that was before they received the “wisdom” from that tree. (Gen 3:6 NIV) What is this wisdom and when it opens our eyes, why would it result in shame?

I suggest that one example of the wisdom that comes with the knowledge of good and evil, is that they became aware of contrasts. Before they simply had innocence, but now they could contrast and compare and judge each other as good or bad, better or worse, acceptable or not acceptable. Before the concept of good or bad, they had no way of judging the performance of their spouse.

Note: But now with their eyes open, they hid themselves from each other (Gen 3:7). I emphasize from each other because they didn’t hide when God came (v8), but they hid while in each others company.

So let’s speculate a bit. Let’s put away the religious approach and let’s get our hands dirty in the day to day life of human beings.

If you eat fruit that allows your eyes to be opened to concepts such as as good/better/best, or bad/worse/worst, then what is to stop you from using this wisdom on your spouse?

I suggest that after eating the fruit of knowledge, they used their wisdom on each other and this is what created their shame. She looked at him and judged him… and he judged her.

Perhaps she wanted him to be a better bread winner. Perhaps he wanted her to be prettier. Mybe she thought he could have better abs or less flab. Perhaps he judged her ability to cook. Just as Adam had been lonely, perhaps she became self conscious of her elevated need for companionship and unhappy that he seemed to be able to meet his needs by enjoying sport and playing on computers… oh wait… that’s a bit too modern for this story. But I think you get the point!

Whatever it was that they did with this open eyed wisdom, they no longer felt safe with each other, they no longer accepted each other as they were (Gen 3:7). They became aware of their own limitations. They had “wisdom” and understood good and evil. They began to judge, rank and evaluate each other.

So they hid themselves in order to protect themselves. They saw their own limitations and perhaps they understood they were not as “beautiful” as they could be, or somehow they were not “up to standard” in some way… and they felt shame.

Note: What other practical reasons can you feel shame for? Shame is always connected to being judged and valued. We can be judged on just about any part of our performance.

This same problem exists today. People get together with a loving attitude and then change the rules and jack up their expectations of each other, raising the bar too high. We stop accepting each other’s limitations and instead demand that we become more acceptible in the sight of friends or family.

But our problem is worse than what Adam and Eve faced. They released death into the world through that sin, but now it’s several thousand years later and death and sin has grown and embedded itself within our culture. Porn, drugs, abortion, greed, divorce… we’re dealing with things that are quietly accepted by society as a norm now.

This was the basis of my deep concern. Having gone through one disastrous marriage, I couldn’t see how two fallen and broken people could make an intimate marriage work.

5 responses to “Marriage Pt 2 – safe with each other

  1. Hey I can totally relate about marriage, I know that God has me being patient for the woman that he has for me, and in the process he is encouraging, strengthening, and preparing me. I commend you for your honesty, I am glad that there are other men of God out that are willing to stand up. Also I was wondering, just started my own blog, I would really appreciate it if you could look at it and also give me some tips.
    God Bless Dude

  2. I was agreeing with you until you mention in the garden. My bible said in Gen 3:7-8 that they made clothes for themselves but when they heard GOD coming they hid. Also I believe Adam and Eve covered themselves because they realized that they were different. It had nothing to do with judging because in order to judge you have to have some comparison and there was none. They simply realized that they were different.
    The reason why people are not accepting of others is not that the other needs improvement but rather that we are not accepting of ourselves. Whenver we become accepting of ourselves we no longer have a desire to change people. We become accepting of others as we are accepting of ourselves with our limitations. I do not need to change you or force you to change for my family or friends because I would not want you to require that of me. Once I fall in love with myself by knowing who I am and that GOD made me with all my limitations and strengths for the challenges, trials and ultimate victory I would face then I am no longer judging or unacceptable of myself. But now I begin to love this person and to relax and make more of this person come out because when this true person comes out it is then I will begin to win more battles and eventaully find the person I am meant to be with. Love yourself as GOD made you with every mark, scar and imperfection and you will begin to see that soon, very soon others begin to think that you are truly beautiful!

  3. Well, Mark. I’ll hafta admit that this one will take a second read when my mind is not fuzzy from a full day’s activities.

    While I don’t dispute your conclusion, I do wonder about the route you have taken to get there. In the text the knowledge is very specific. There eyes were opened so that they knew good and evil. Heretofore, they had only really known good. Their failed effort to clothe themselves was for the purpose of covering their shame. Their effor was, btw, futile. So, God intervened. An innocent victim lost its life. The first bloody sacrifice for atonement was both needed and provided by God. The rest is His Story!

    Sorry for the rambling thoughts. Hope you can see what I’m trying to say.


    Hi Bill.

    I edited the post to make the religious logic stronger and clearer. That made it longer, so I had to split the posts up. As it turns out, that was a good thing. What I was showing was was this “wisdom” perhaps brought to them and therefore WHY they felt shame. My logic is entirely biblical.

    And what’s even better is that it is *useful* for people, so we can understand what went wrong and how to fix it. We need to put away judgement, put away societal aspirations and focus on love and acceptance of our partners AND of God’s children (see 1 John 3 and 4).

    God bless,

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