7 things you can do to get emotional healing


In this post I list 7 exact things that you can do which probably will help you to get out of a cruddy life and into a life that you enjoy living. It’s not a quick process, because these 7 things involve change and they will require you to think them through and take action.

Taking action can be hard for some. And for others, they are already in action, but it’s the wrong action and they don’t really want to be doing what they are involved in – for them it’s not about taking action, it’s about changing from old things to new things.

So here are the 7 things

  • Firstly, understand and use boundaries
  • Secondly, take ownership
  • Thirdly, be conscious with your life and your choices
  • Fourthly, make decisions!
  • Fifthly, there is how it should be… and then how it is
  • Sixthly, look for what gives you healthy joy and energy/life
  • Seventhly, grab hold of the steering wheel

Here are the items, each with a description… your recovery and living a happy life depends on you living our the life He prepared for you in advance. How do you know what it is? It’s already within you and it’s what you were designed to do… it’s what you enjoy doing.

For we are God’s [own] handiwork (His workmanship), recreated in Christ Jesus, [born anew] that we may do those good works which God predestined (planned beforehand) for us [taking paths which He prepared ahead of time], that we should walk in them [living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for us to live]. – Eph 2:10

The 7 things are…

Firstly, understand and use boundaries

We have to have our own boundaries.

Secondly, take ownership

My central observation to the whole thing about being an adult is this… there must come a time when a person faces their past and takes ownership of it. No matter what came before, no matter what “gift” the past gave you, there comes a time to own it and begin to change it.

Some things shaped you to get to here. Now you must begin to shape yourself going forward. It’s a conscious decision followed by daily actions.

It looks something like this…

timeline_healing

You change from being a passive receiver of events, to a creator of events. Yes bad events happened, yes I was kinda left with the “baby” – and it’s a damned ugly baby too! – and yes I have inherited lots of things that shaped me into a person I’d rather not be… but it’s now mine. I own it. And what am I going to do about it?

Thirdly, be conscious with your life and your choices

I read the same thing in a marriage book, that all marriages must become conscious or struggle and eventually end badly. At some point the man and woman must face how they came to own this possible mess that they all marriage – and then own it, and then begin to be conscious about how they love one another and how they plan for the day and weekend so that each other’s needs get met. A conscious marriage.

And recovery from a damaged past requires a conscious person with active decisions. It’s not particularly easy. It’s freaking hard.  Lots to learn. Why? Because severe abuse and abandonment teaches us all the wrong lessons and none of the right lessons.

For example we may learn nothing about personal boundaries, we may therefore not learn how to respect other people’s boundaries. As a result people get upset for (seemingly) no reason at all. (For example that woman this morning!). If we remain unconscious, we can go through years and decades never really understanding the world and people and how to navigate it.

Fourthly, make decisions!

You can stay passive and keep letting life happen to you, or you can make life happen the way it suits you and in a way and at a pace that you prefer. This is a God-honouring thing to actually own the life He gave you, to look after it, to be a good steward of the life He gave. Don’t just let it happen, instead make it happen. That’s the whole idea of using your gifts.

It’s a transition from drinking the milk mom puts on the table, to going out and milking a cow to get it. We don’t want to millk cows, because we grew up with the bottle just magically appearing! Cutting the lawn doesn’t just happen. Having a great weekend is something that has to be planned.

Truck with Christmas LightsAs we grow up we simply have the Christmas feeling, but as an adult we have to make it. The house no longer is lit up and the tree doesn’t just appear when we are an adult.

Someone has to do these things… and that someone is us.

Fun is a decision, its the result of action. Covering your truck with lights results in fun and good feelings. Not covering your truck doesn’t.

Fifthly, there is how it should be… and then how it is

During counselling I began to see my past, I began to see the fallenness of this world, I began to see my own fallenness – and I began to accept all of this as HOW IT IS. Be sad for how it should have been, be sad for the loss of dreams – but strive to accept how it is… because once you accept that this is how IT IS, then you can decide to change it into what you really want.

I often say to people “there is how it should be, and then there is how it is!”. The trick is to get past how it should be, grive the loss of that, move on… move onto “how it is” and deal with that. Ouch. Then come the good stuff… start making decisions about how you want it to become.

For example, science and art says this is the perfect human dimensions… but do you know anyone in your real life that looks like this? I don’t.

perfect_dimensions

Here is another example of how it should be versus how it really is. This is apparently the ideal dimensions for a human face. Do you know anyone who actually looks like this? No, nor do I!! 🙂

face

So there is how life should be and then there is how life is. The two don’t match. No one has the perfect life. You’re not the only one sitting in church on sunday who has a terrible secret… let me be the first to tell you a secret… EVERYONE has a dirty secret. And Jesus came to save them all. It’s normal and expected and it’s ok. So relax.

Sixthly, look for what gives you healthy joy and energy/life

Take some time to look in your life and see if there is something that you enjoy doing, which brings you great joy to do (or even just a little joy is fine too!). If it is consistent with Christianity and consistent with the message of Jesus Christ, then He probably it within you!

For we are God’s [own] handiwork (His workmanship), recreated in Christ Jesus, [born anew] that we may do those good works which God predestined (planned beforehand) for us [taking paths which He prepared ahead of time], that we should walk in them [living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for us to live]. – Eph 2:10

So if you look inside yourself, what do you see? No, not the yucky stuff… what else do you see? What passion has God placed within you which is waiting for you to live it out?

Is it … a passion to take pictures of His handiwork? A passion to travel and minister? I passion to heal and bring comfort? A passion to open your home and welcome people to dinners, showing His love for them through you? A passion for teaching children and church? There is a passion within you, and a “predestined (planned beforehand) … path … which He prepared ahead of time” within you.

During these recent years I received much advice, but these next two are great pieces of advice that applies to this situation. One of the three Christian counsellors who truly had a life-changing impact on me, he and his wife said these words that I can never forget “maybe travelling is his dream. he needs to find his dream and live it” or some words to that effect.

Travelling is a passion of mine, but it’s not my dream. But I learned from those words. I have learned that it is not possible to live a life happily without first connecting to a dream or a vision which matches our inner most desires.

One thing I must quickly say is that our dream can’t be a person or a place, it’s a life and an ambition. Our happiness is not in a specific human being, that’s unhealthy and it’s called stalking. 🙂

It is true that He gives us our inner desires (Psalm 37:4), but I don’t think that scripture says He gives us what we want, I think He places it within us to want what He wants!

[Not in your own strength] for it is God Who is all the while effectually at work in you [energizing and creating in you the power and desire], both to will and to work for His good pleasure and satisfaction and delight. – Phil 2:13

Seventhly, grab hold of the steering wheel

A random loving person said to me as we chatted on the side of a street said to me “grab hold of the sterring wheel and never again let it go“. Those words are true and still ring true.

steering-wheelIn my life, due to circumstance or events or being perpetually shell-shocked (dissociation, attachment disorder, whatever) I never actually took the reigns to my own horse that I was sitting on.

I never grabbed hold of the thing that steers the boat that I was travelling in.

But when I understood that Jesus came to give me abundant life and He had blessed me with desires in my heart, plus, He intended me to live using the gifts He has given me… then I understood that it was up to me to LIVE and live ABUNDANTLY.

So I began to watch more positive Christian musicand I dumped all my commercial music that focussed on negatives – which as it turned out was all of it! 🙂

And God asked me to no longer bring newspapers into my new house and eventually I switched off my tv to avoid the news. It was also at this time that God challenged me to believe the bible exactly as it is written. It seems like a small change

The second half

But if you think that’s the end of the story, you are mistaken. It’s the start to the second half of the story.

In the process of healing I reached a moment only two years ago when I suddenly healed and began to exist. In my journals there is a moment where I journal – with shock – that yesterday I didn’t exist. Some people will understand what had happened, I had healed to the place where the real me had emerged.

Now the real work started. I had to learn so many new things. I had to reprocess so many memories. I had to integrate the things God told me over the years – almost all of which had never come true… but now began to come true. I had to learn about personal boundaries, how to read people’s emotions (without looking like you are staring!) and I had to figure out what was normal and what wasn’t.

It’s now 2 year later and I’m still trying to figure it all out. Not only do individuals have different boundaries seemingly randomly placed all over their life, but society also has boundaries that are declared and many many that are undeclared and you only find out after you have stepped over them.

No wonder God gives humans 18 years in the home before launching into society… there is so much to learn, so much to adapt to. I am only 2 years into this process and I think I’m doing pretty darn well thank you! 🙂

Heck of a two years huh? 🙂

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3 responses to “7 things you can do to get emotional healing

  1. Without this blog… I don’t know what dreadful things I would have done to myself. Thanks a lot. I appreciate you writing these things. It’s powerful stuff that enlightens me every single time I read it. Makes so much sense.

  2. i feel very similar to these writings. i feel like i have died. i don’t feel reborn yet though. i feel like i’m just surviving right now and i thirst for the word of God. it’s one of the only things, if not the only thing, that brings me peace right now. i’ve become extremely isolated and pray incessantly to the point where i feel like i am losing my mind a bit. i don’t fit in this world or with my friends or anyone i know but i am faithful that i am where i am suppossed to be. any comments would be much appreciated. thanks.
    ryan.

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