(This is a personal post, about my own healing.)
Today was so special
I have experienced wonderful Godly things recently. On Sunday while we were in prayer at church and I experienced this “inflating balloon” inside me. It was just like a wind blowing inside me, up from my belly. It was the Holy Spirit filling me!
And with that he breathed on them and said, “Receive the Holy Spirit. – John 20:22
Then after the service in prayer, again I felt shifts and changes. I saw something deep inside of me unwind and leave. Then I saw it happen again!
Today I was taking a bath and while soaking in the hot water suddenly the earliest parts of my memories came into memory and my addictive behaviours and passive choices SUDDENLY made sense. I mean it all came into focus. My whole history.
Because of those early experiences I have been living my life with a vast emotional handicap of sorts.
The image which I wrote down was profound – and deep. I knew I needed to speak to someone about it. To share it. To check and validate it. So I contacted some people and had a time to be there. I had a few hours to wait. During that time the Holy Spirit, my Counsellor…
When the Counselor comes, whom I will send to you from the Father, the Spirit of truth who goes out from the Father… – John 15:26
… my Counsellor got me to write all the things I could see down. Arrows going this way and that way. Causes and effects. It all made so much sense.
Because of those early experiences I had lived my life trying to make up for them, trying to change the past, trying to deny it as well… lots of things that were such a guilt and an emotional burden to me…
- I lived in regret, always looking for ways to fix the past.
- My view on life and people was skewed by what I went through – and that was keeping me tied to those events.
- I was always trying to understand what I went through, and to understand others who may be going through it.
- I wasn’t taking care of myself, not building a life, not making choices for my future because I didn’t think I deserved it.
- I was always searching for a way to fix the past and not building for my future.
This kind of thing is called survivors guilt or it’s a symptom of PTSD.
The end of the old, the start of the new
But today the Holy Spirit showed me the way those early experiences formed me and have kept me in a guilt trip, kept me tied to those events.
Suddenly I could see that what I needed to do was let it go. To forgive myself. To release myself. To forgive them. To release them.
- I cannot fix the past. I am able to LIVE and create a future!
- I am not tied to those events, I am here now and I’m free, I’m going to use what I have and make more!
- I may never understand why people did what they did. That’s just how it is.
- I was a victim. I didn’t deserve it. Now I am alive. And life has so much potential.
And we did that – and more. And when I walked out, I felt free. I mean really free. I could feel what freedom felt like. Have you ever felt freedom? I have, in that moment today…
And that’s not all: We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand—out in the wide open spaces of God’s grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise. – Rom 5:2 (The Message – Eugene Peterson)
I went to the shops and a man came up to me to ask for food. I didn’t think there would be money in my account. But on a whim I told him to come with me, and if there was I would buy him what he wanted. And there was money! I asked him what he wanted. He asked for a week’s worth of food. As I walked with him I could hear God clearly say to me “Freely You Have Received, Freely Give” (Matthew 10:8). So I did!
Today I have such joy and such a sense of my future. I am laughing and enjoying my experience of “right now”.
And what’s more is… I now know I won’t be holding back any more. If I persevere and keep speaking to myself “I can’t go back, I can’t rescue anyone, I can’t change those things” then I can be free to move forward and build a life.
I get it now… what the delay was all about
I now know that God couldn’t bring someone into my life before this, because I was holding back. I was not making choices to move ahead. I was still doing yucky things because of my past. I couldn’t emotionally commit to building something with someone, because deep down I still held such guilt from my past experiences. All of this is not fair on her.
But no more. No. More. 🙂
I didn’t know it until today, but so much of me was still trying to fix the past and still secretly trying to both hide and uncover the past.
But now I know for sure that I can’t fix the past. And I am forgiven. I have forgiven. I am letting it go. No more secretly carrying this around with me.
Exousa! It is permitted – it is allowed…
Yes I have a new word! The moment I heard it, I wrote it down. I didn’t know what it meant but I knew the Holy Spirit was telling me it was important. Exousa!
EXOUSIA derives rather from the verb EXESTIN, an impersonal verb regularly used in the third-person singular and meaning "it is permitted/allowed (to someone" or "it is possible (for someone)." Carl W. Conrad Department of Classics, Washington University (Emeritus)
So… “I am permitted, I am allowed.”
I will focus on living my life. I was a survivor for so long. I’m not a survivor any more. Now I’m going to live! How? I dunno. But I will figure it out. I will invent it. It will be something I really want to do.
I’ve always thought BIG. God thinks BIG about me too! But somewhere between the small stuff like washing hair… and the BIG God stuff… the in between stuff was not happening. Why? Because I was feeling guilty about the past, trapped by events so long ago.
No more. I’m going to do the middle stuff. The house. The clothing. Taking care of myself. Choosing better. Living!
I’m permitted, I’m allowed… I will come to grips with what the bible says I have: exousa!
authority, jurisdiction, liberty/freedom, power
From exesti (in the sense of ability); privilege, i.e. (subjectively) force, capacity, competency, freedom, or (objectively) mastery (concretely, magistrate, superhuman, potentate, token of control), delegated influence — authority, jurisdiction, liberty, power, right, strength. – Strongs
Instead of denying myself the right to live, I will now live. Instead of wishing I could change the past or rescue people in the past, I will live for the future. Instead of grieving, I will live in freedom.
I cannot change the past
The fundamental truth I learned today is that I cannot change the past. By the grace of God’s Holy Spirit, I have suddenly come to accept that – and now I am ready to live in exousa… freedom.
I have authority, I have charm and charisma – I will make use of that! Many people say I will make a wonderful husband and father – so let me be one! Exousa… I have the force, capacity, competency… the right and strength to do those things. And I will!
Enough of living in regret and guilt. I can’t change what happened to me. I can’t go back. But I can make use of what God has given me, my talents, my gifts, my charisma, my leadership.
Exousa! Thank You Jesus Christ!!
Pingback: what would i fix in the past, if i could just fix one thing? « the Squished Diorama·