Remember to forgive yourself


This is a part of a series

Tonight… wow… the sermon was pretty good… it was about community… but at the end of the sermon he led us to take communion… in fact, to give communion to one another.

And within me I found extreme emotions rising up. I could feel micro-expressions of anger and perhaps even hatred was flashing across my face. Thoughts of anger towards people… NOT PEOPLE AT CHURCH! … were coming up into my mind.

I was perplexed. This is not me?! This is unforgiveness coming up. What? Me? Have unforgiveness? Impossible! No way! But there it was.

The thoughts seemed almost demonic in intensity. I guess the enemy knew his time was up. I have noticed that when he has a losing hand of cards then he petulantly plays all his remaining cards simultaneously, hoping to distract, but instead what he does is he removes any doubt that he was at work the whole time.

Then someone brought me communion and I remembered the scripture that said to not take communion with unforgiveness in your heart. So I began to forgive, then I went and gave him communion as well.

I sat down… and something broke. I have no idea what was comng out, but it felt like a balloon in my belly was deflating through my breathing. As I breathed… on every exhale… it poured out of me.

What was it? I dont know. Relief? Anger? Unforgiveness? I dont know. But I feel so much calmer, quieter, simpler.

I just breathed and breathed and breathed, I felt like I was breathing from deeper and deeper… the fresh cool air seemed to reach deeper and deeper… all the way down into my belly.

Right now I have worship on, but I feel that I could just sit… in silence… and breathe… and sit a bit more… and just breathe some more.

I know this is Gods timing. He is wrapping so much up recently. So much. Truly, God is crushing the enemy beneath my feet… through the grace of Jesus Christ.

Earlier today I was praying and declaring… as I always do… and I asked what the problem is… Jesus Christ did it on His cross, I believe it every day, maybe two or three times a day… more sometimes… but its not happening? He did it, I receive it… what else is there Lord???

And tonight was the answer. The full experience of sonship through Jesus Christ is condtional on us forgiving others as He forgave us.

I had no idea that I harboured such unforgiveness

Looking back on my choices and behaviour its obvious to me that I was angry and unforgiving. I can see that now. My heart was hard.

I walked away when I really didnt want to walk away. My heart was hard. Im so sorry.

So God showed me what the blockage was. The anger and unforgiveness surfaced in a safe space and oh boy did it surface. All I could do was breathe. Just breathe. It seemed to pour up from somewhere deep in my belly, up and out.

And now my life seems simpler. And people around me seem more human. The life that I can see other people living seems so precious to me. People seem more precious.

I can see life is like thin wires, like guitar strings, like nerves… life is so tender, so delicate, so easily disturbed. People need time, compassion, care. Just like me they put up a shell on the outside to hide the feeling-ness on the inside.

Clearly… I must have had a hard heart before this moment… even though I never knew it. I understand how my heart became hard… I was battered, deceived,  manipulated and taken advantage of.

I thought I could love… and yes I loved with all I had to give. But. I can only imagine how I will be able to love now! He truly is wrapping it all up now. This is His time. His timing is perfect.

And as I was forgiving it came to mind that I should forgive myself for not knowing better. If I had known better then I would have done things better. But I didnt know better. And so I had to forgive myself too.

It occurs to me that Im feeling how He loves people. Its a gift He is giving to me. I cant even begin to imagine what is ahead.

Joy. Love. Peace. Compassion. Kindness. Generosity. Less judgement. More time. More tolerance. More co-operation.

It boggles my mind the good things that God wants for us… and the good things He wants to do through us to others in our life.

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