Men, women, love and attraction

• Marriage Pt 3 – God’s vision for marriage
• Marriage Pt 2 – safe with each other
• Marriage Pt 1 – God is so good
• (OLD POST) Men, women, love and attraction
• (OLD POST) Creating deep intimacy (into-me-see) in relationships

This is a post by my, to me. One I will return to over and over as I figure things out.

I’ve bumped into the following posts online and I’m wondering what to make of them.

• What Is Sexy?
• How To Be A Man
• How To Be A Woman
• What constitutes sexy??
• What I like in men
• It’s weird

Yes… I know that not all of these opinions are necesarily written by Christians. That’s not my focus. If you want to explore the biblical right/wrongness of many of these comments, then go here: Right Thinking Girl’s Do’s and Don’ts where a guy has done a good job of comparing them to the bible.

My focus in this post isn’t religious, it’s emotional. I’m really FASCINATED by my gradual discovery of how women feel about men.

Isn’t it wonderful how God created all of us? He said “it’s not good for man (meaning people) to be alone” and then He re-designed man into Adam and He designed Eve. The bible doesn’t actually capture the exact words that Adam said when he first laid eyes on Eve as she came around the corner with God. When God brought Eve to Adam, I imagine what went through Adam’s head was something like “Holy freaking cow! She’s gorgeous!!”

As a caring elder in our church once said, I had been through so much pain in my life that my sense of reality had become incorrect. For example, in the past when my partner cheated on me and didn’t tell me, I didn’t react, I just kept quiet. I mistakenly thought that families don’t argue and I had to turn the other cheek and forgive. So I never brought the issue up at all and I just forgave. What a doofus. I didn’t know that when the marriage covenant is broken (if there is no apology and forgiveness) then the break frees both people from that binding covenant. I paid heavily for that choice not to enforce consequences and highlight the problem and rectify the situation, because it continued to happen. What I thought was biblical and loving was not biblical and very unhealthy for both her and for me. If I did something, things would have been different and perhaps better.

It was an instance of me not really understanding the basic truths of the bible, nor having an understanding of my own value that God says I have in His bible. I didn’t know what God had intended for this wonderful gift He calls marriage.

So… I go to a counsellor to talk about life and to explore what is normal for people. God also shows me in the bible the key passages that point to our worth and to the value that He sees in each of us. I know now that is very important to have boundaries and to be strong and value ourselves. Jesus did all of that and so should I!

I’ve come a long way and now I’m happily sharing some of what I’ve learned in this blog to help others get the life balance and self-worth that I didn’t have. Some people are taught all this stuff by their parents (modelling), but the rest of us have to learn it. Some learn faster than others. It’s one of the wonderful aspects of the web – the way we can reach out to each other and support and teach one another. We can share experiences and help each other figure out what is normal and what is ok. We explore each other’s worlds and feelings, keeping the good and abandoning the bad.

So that brings me back to these blog posts that I have linked to.

One of the things that fascinate me is how women feel about men – because that’s how men feel about women. From the outside women seem so together and aloof and separate. Maybe it’s all the makeup?

But then I read how this women writes (It’s weird) about her feeling for that guy. On the outside he probably had no idea how she is feeling, but on this inside she’s a raging storm of emotion. Wow.

I have so effectively cut myself off from wanting anything, needing anything – I don’t even allow myself to have crushes anymore – so when Nature rears its head again, and demands some time, some space, makes her existence KNOWN, I find it alarming, and upsetting.

I got off the train, and he stayed on, obviously going on to Journal Square … and I felt this piercing sense of loss as I walked away from him. It hurt me to walk away from him. Does he have any idea that he is so full of light? That his blurpy body is so beautiful?

…

So now you know. You know a little bit more about me. A part of me I am not really proud of, or psyched about … and I wish I could crush it back forever … but I can’t. Obviously. You can’t fight a tidal wave. The savage repression of my feelings of loneliness actually makes the whole thing WORSE.

This woman impresses me. I don’t know how many people have the courage to say they feel or felt this way: “I have so effectively cut myself off from wanting anything, needing anything – I don’t even allow myself to have crushes anymore ”

I truly think future generations will comment on this current generation (with me included in it) in the same way that God would call it “a broken and fatherless generation”.

This overwhelming feeling she writes about in It’s weird is how I feel every time I meet a certain woman. She just sends me over the top and I hide my feelings. My feelings are so scary and strong that (like sheila in It’s weird) I suppress those emotions and actually try to avoid her. I’ve done that for a long time. heh. Yeah… dumb… I know.

My counsellor says that this feeling is a good thing. To embrace it, because God designed that feeling to to encourage us to talk to each other. Talk?! Heh. I can hardly breathe, let alone talk. Heh. But I can see his point.

Then it occured to me… wouldn’t it be awesome to marry and live with and have a family with someone who causes me to feel this way? Imagine is she felt the same way?! Wow.

My counsellor’s response was astonishment. He blurted: who else would I marry? as if it only made sense to marry someone who made you feel special and who you thought was special. I felt stupid. Embarrased. How had I not seen this before? For me it was a big moment. A breakthrough.

When I felt the natural attraction that God built between compatible men and women, I somehow saw something bad, sinful, wrong. The whole “deny self” rubbish teaching would rise up in me. But in fact, it’s such a right thing that God has desgined. (That dreamy attraction should not be co-dependance, that a different kind of feeling.) But as long as we’re suitable and emotionally healthy and intellectually compatible – then that feeling of attraction is intended to get us to talk to each other.

Wow. Wonderful. Ok. I can do that.

Isn’t it amazing, that when we learn to LIVE our lives and not run away from them… it’s really quite delicious. I often say to people: a lack of love is how we became damaged, and having love from others is how we heal.

Jesus came to give us life and give it ABUNDANTLY. He wants happy families, loving partners, generous friends and hope in our lives. The greatest of these is love.